My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
