dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
last night I used snow as a chaser
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