You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
