You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This is the high leading the old right now
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
