You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I accidentally burped into my bong.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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