no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
