Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
someone owes me an orgasm
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
