How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
