My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
