She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
