why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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