I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
accomplished twins. life is a go
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
