Betty ford says i'm here all night
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
