I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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