I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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