girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
