I wish my penis had an off switch
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
