I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
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Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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