Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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