goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
