You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
