Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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