I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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