hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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