he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
