i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
