can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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