Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
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I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
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I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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