One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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