this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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