Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
