"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
