If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
