I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
