Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
