so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
