Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
