Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
