He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
