I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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