guys are not supposed to queef...right?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
