So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
