from now on my penis is your penis
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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