apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
