you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
