yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
