Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
