Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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