I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
