I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
