I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
