I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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