Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Randomize
