It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
