Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
we made out on top of his cat.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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