I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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