Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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