sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
