i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
