I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
